Some context from a dialog I had with a very good “girl” friend from college
We are talking about our sons by birth order #1, #2, etc. I start the dialog and her responses are double indented.
One of #2’s good friends broke up a 1.5 year relationship because she wanted “more.” We suppose that means going all the way. Apparently these girls compare notes in social media… and then wonder why word leaks out. Yikes. Gossip has its inaccuracies, but the basis of truth lies in there somewhere.
Fortunately #2 and his friends (both male and female) are attending Young Life where the topic tonight and for the next several weeks is, helpfully, Sexual Purity. My advice to him is simple… do like I did and marry a virgin… if you can find one anymore.Yeah good luck with that one. I might not agree with u on this one…. So if u r not a virgin u r not worthy of marrying? U would pass up your best match because u potential spouse has not abstained? Hmmm?
I would not pass up a “best match” for that, no. If I really loved her, and I wasn’t such a chicken shit back then, I would have pursued her. In my very limited experience (3) it greatly simplified things. The first two were faaaaaaarrrrrr from virginity (7) and (12) and it was a hot mess in so many ways both emotionally and, sadly, physically. And believe me… I’m far from perfect and in my case it was more like date a virgin, wait five years and then marry her. No we didn’t wait. Yes I’m a hypocrite.
Hmmm
There’s someone for most everyone, but the pool to pick from only shrinks for a variety of reasons and previous promiscuity is one of them most certainly. This works both ways of course, but women suffer more on this one. The cruel and dark truth of how men view things and maneuver through young life is summed up by one of their fundamental tenets – “There are girls you f’ and there are girls you marry” with the obvious implication of the two being mutually exclusive. In reality there is gray area between the ends and scoring is on a curve. However, as I mentioned before, the pool only shrinks with every click of the ratchet. Sadly with the rise of the MGTOW movement, only the first part of that tenet seems to matter to enough percentage of men, hence a growing husband deficit. Nature being the emotionless arbiter of cause and effect it is, that last fact actually helps our sons.
I wonder how many American dads would advise their sons to marry a virgin in 2018?
Given the slowly, but definitely rising issues with STDs and such, I’d say a few more dads now than years ago, but I do think the majority of dads say otherwise or worse, absolutely nothing at all 🙁
Of course as a father you have the right to tell your kids what ever you think is best.
I tell mine their pool of potential mates only shrinks with every encounter and there are risks. That’s not opinion, just facts. #1 didn’t listen much. #2 is under a lot of stress from girls throwing themselves at him. Word is girls treat virginity as something you need to get rid of ASAP.
I do think there is a difference in being promiscuous and sleeping with lots of men vs. having a serious relationship that becomes sexual and who you think would be a potential spouse.
Yes agree… that lowers the weight of the baggage a bit. That’s what happened with Cheryl, GF#3 (0) and me. She helped me dodge a bullet with one girl I’ve not told you about, GF#2.5 (hundreds!). I just couldn’t seal the deal with 2.5. Thank goodness I had sufficient self respect to pick the virgin over hundreds. 😮
Thoughts on the above
I love this woman friend from college very much. It’s quite clear to me she is protecting or defending her sexual behavior in her relationships. I have no idea how many lovers she had before marrying. If she never wants to tell me that’s fine as I respect her greatly.
There were only two girls I would have considered marrying from college… both of which had previous lovers and some with friends of mine. My “girl” friend above is one of them. Things just didn’t work out that way and our paths diverged. The point is she has superior qualities that help lesson the pain of dealing with a mate with previous lovers or at least more lovers than you. Yes that is totally unfair, but biology just doesn’t care.
Promiscuous vs. “other”
It’s interesting she differentiates between being promiscuous vs. having sex in a committed relationship. Before this I really did not think much different between the two. I mean I dated two chicks with seven and a dozen previous lovers. Where is the line between the two when considering your…
I get the quality of sexual partners differs among people groups, but judging by the alarming growth in STDs, I’m not so sure it matters unless you and your lover are virgins.
Forgiveness
One must always keep the door open for those who have sincere regret for their prior actions. Forgiveness is a difficult, but important element of the human condition.
Even the bible provides an example of a minor prophet marrying and later reconciling with a prostitute Hosea 1, 2 and 3…
Hosea 1: Hosea’s Wife and Children
2 When the Lord began to speak through Hosea, the Lord said to him, “Go, marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her, for like an adulterous wife this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the Lord.” 3 So he married Gomer daughter of Diblaim, and she conceived and bore him a son.
Hosea 3: Hosea’s Reconciliation With His Wife
1The Lord said to me, “Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another man and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.”
2 So I bought her for fifteen shekels[a] of silver and about a homer and a lethek[b] of barley. 3 Then I told her, “You are to live with me many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man, and I will behave the same way toward you.”
4 For the Israelites will live many days without king or prince, without sacrifice or sacred stones, without ephod or household gods. 5 Afterward the Israelites will return and seek the Lord their God and David their king. They will come trembling to the Lord and to his blessings in the last days.
The above is, of course, allegorical towards the jewish people, but makes a strong point regardless. The takeaway for me is forgive previous behavior. That doesn’t mean the promiscuous person avoids the responsibility of ensuring no sexually transmitted diseases come to the relationship. If chlamydia made you sterile or you have incurable herpes, hepatitis, HIV or HPV, you’re no longer mate worthy.
All that said I found hope from the Internet from the web…
Should Brides be Allowed to Wear White if They Have Been Impure Before Marriage?
Even though we sometimes commit sins that we never should have, a wedding is the chance to start fresh and make things right. True, it takes time (and work) to heal wounds. And honest communication with one’s spouse about previous mistakes is important for a healthy relationship. Ideally, this would occur before the wedding. But, especially if we have already had that talk, the fact that our betrothed still wants to marry us despite all of that is a shining symbol of his love.
A good read highlighting the role of forgiveness. The world needs more people like the author.
A truly repentant person deserves a new chance at happiness. The question is how repentant will “experienced” people be when they feel it is time to tie the knot and suddenly realize their ratchet is out of clicks?
Graphic from Wikipedia Commons